KITTY

so most of you have probably heard me talking about me having a kitty. and you probably didnt believe me. well, i now have proof! she lives with my friend though since mom wont let me bring her home haha :( oh well i will take her with me when i move out. well here is some pictures of my gorgeous kitty marilyn.i love her :) shes so freakin cute. she falls asleep on me all the time its funny. well theres my kitty. isnt she adorable? i never thought i could love an animal so much but she proved to me that i could.

epic

so its like im not suppose to be happy for one freakin second. yesterday i got this amazing news, it was a very very good opertunity for my band. and that was the first time i have been truly happy in monthes. it felt so good and i loved it. but today my happienss was shot down because i got in a stupid freakin car accident. of course. story of my life. things just have to get worse and worse.

sorry

im sorry that all my blogs latley are just me ranting on about my stupid boring life and how im depressed but thats all i got to talk about. just when it seems my life couldnt get any worse. it does. i have found out some very hard facts tonight. and it has made me wonder why all of this is happening to me. i used to know what happiness was. why is my whole life filled with this. its like i cant excape sadness for more than 5 seconds. its like im not allowed to be happy, im not allowed to have anything i want. what i want is far from my reach and i will never ever be able to get it back. it is long gone. and i hate it. i hate thinking about it so much. i have lost someone in my life that was so important to me and i cant get it out of my head. it is by far the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life. hands down. nothing seems to be getting better. even though everyone says, dont worry just let time do its thing and everything will be better. its not the end of the world. well in my eyes it is. how much more time can i wait for things to get better. because ive been waiting, ive been letting time go by, and things arnt getting better, they are getting worse and worse as time goes by. im sorry this is all i talk about, but this is how i get out my emotion. i just dont know what else to do.

yep

so ive been working at burlington for like 3 weeks now i think. and its fun. of course it sucks because its work and everyone hates work. but its not bad at all. the best part of it is the people i work with. they are all so freakin cool and layed back. its awsome. thats what makes the job worth it. i just hope that after the season they keep me and give me a raise or something. because i really dont want to get another job. but i need more money. im not living here forever. well anyways. my job is the only good thing going in my life right now. everything else is still just a huge pile of shit.

TURNING ON ANOTHER ROAD

so ive been going though a lot of crap the last couple months. trying to figure a lot of things out and just random things poping up in the way. first matter. my band is now broken up. that band is no more and is left in the past. the times were amazing and awsome and i wouldnt trade it for anything. its sad to see it go but better things lay ahead. im now playing music with my best friend alex. im sure you guys dont like him very much, but give him a chance. look past the makeup and how he dresses. think about it i dress the same way i just dont wear makeup. hes a good kid, dont judge before you know him. but anyways. me and him are writing music that is very different from what we were doing before and its amazing. we are looking for new members and we have big goals that will be reached you just wait. im not sure if anyone cares about this but im telling you anyways. so that is what is going on with music in my life. next thing. i finally have something that i have been searching for for a very long time. I HAVE A JOB. i work at burlington coat factory and i will be going in tomorrow for orientation. well technacly today because its three in morning but yeah whatever. im excited. i cant wait to get money yayy! there are still holes in my life that need to be filled. but all in good time. but i finally caught my break with this job and so things are looking up just a little bit. and so i am going down a new road in life and im excited for a change. so that is my life so far. oh yeah and allison i need a hair trim soon. :)

so.......

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY.....MEEEEEEEE.....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!

wow

life is stressful. i feel like im far below rock bottom. its like nothing can go right. im still looking for a job. i swear it is impossible to find one. i have applyed to so many places and ive even applyed more than once to a lot of places and no one is hiring. the only places i can think of are phone jobs. and im really scared to get one of those because i know i couldnt do it. i could not sit there and listen to people drag on about stupid things. but im worried i might have to, i just know that i wont be able to keep it and i need a job i can keep. it feels like i am just dead. dead to everything. the world is like falling down around me and im sitting back in a freakin lawn chair and watching it all happen. i feel like things are just getting harder and harder. i thought getting school out of the way was going to help. and shit got worse. and to make everything worse i broke a freakin string on my guitar. that pissed me off. yay for being at the bottom of the ocean and not being able to breathe. i just dont know how much more of this i can take. im trying so hard to just swim up to the surface but i cant even see it anymore. i cant wait for things to finally start going right and finally feel good about myself. well im off to bed to so i can wake up for another stressful day. what else lies ahead for me i wonder. sorry for this depressing and long and probably boring blog. but i needed to just babble on about my boring and dull life. most of this is just feelings because im deep in depression and i dont mean a lot of it. but its just what comes out of the top of my head.